I’m hoping my story will open a dialogue for me with other cucks or bulls. Feel free to contact me.
I’m a 35 year old white male who is fairly average build and slightly larger than average penis. I have been married twice and as a result of both marriages (as you will read below), I am coming to the reluctant realization that I must have always been a cuck and didn’t know it. I’m still trying to come to terms with it :(
I planned to wait until marriage for sex partly because of a religious upbringing and partly because I put a lot of value on it. I wanted to be sure I was truly in love before I shared that experience. I also believed marriage was for life, so I wanted to be careful.
When I met the girl I eventually married, I was 25 and she was 20. She was already experienced but I was convinced she was “the one” an within a few months of dating, we finally had sex. At first, it was a struggle because I had spent so many years masturbating that I was unable to stay hard with condoms. In fact, I had to finish by hand on our first encounter, which upset her and embarrassed me. I quickly learned that the muscles of the hand will always be stronger/tighter than any orifice. After a few more encounters that ended the same way, we stopped using condoms (she went on BC) and things got better. Eventually, I learned how to fuck and reach orgasm just by penetration. I still couldn’t give up my secret masturbation habit though I kept it under control so that sex would be good.
She cheated on me while we were dating but I justified and forgave her because it was with her ex-boyfriend of several years. I reasoned that she didn’t know me as long and was just having trouble ending that connection. This happened a few times until it eventually stopped and things were good. We got married within two years and had lots of sex although I always kept masturbating secretly.
I caught her cheating on me with a different guy within our first few months of marriage and again I forgave her. Still, I was tormented by mental images of what she had done and couldn’t stop obsessing over them. Without realizing it, I started to eroticize the thoughts. I understand now that my mind was coping the only way it could. Since I couldn’t stop ruminating on the thoughts, sexualizing them was a way to make it less painful. She cheated a couple of more times and each time I forgave her and it increased my eroticizing her infidelity.
I started asking her to tell me what she did when we were having sex and after a while of this she asked me “what would you do if I cheated again?”. I told her I would forgive her but it would really hurt me and begged her not to. At some point, we opened the door for a swinger experience and I was terrified but also aroused. When we finally did it, I ended up masturbating and watching her without having any sex myself. It was intense but of course after I came I had severe cuck angst.
To shorten the story, I’ll just say that this led to her more openly cheating and either telling me or eventually letting me watch. We fell into a pattern where I would masturbate and watch her and afterwards I was left to deal with my cuck angst. At one point, I remember telling her through tears that I was conflicted about what we were doing. I loved her and couldn’t live without her and was afraid I’d eventually lose her. I’ll never forget her telling “baby you won’t lose me. This is how you KEEP me.” I accepted that and things continued this way. She had a regular bull and he weaned me off her pussy by moving me to condoms while he had bareback. Condoms were always a problem and I’d go soft and couldn’t finish which would leaf to me masturbating to reach orgasm.
I hated what we were doing but was also aroused by it (in the heat of the moment). I realize that because she was my first love/sex experience, I had an insanely strong attachment to her. Eventually, I jut accepted that this was how it had to be. After two years of this, she got pregnant and I was nearly suicidal. We separated for a few months until I begged her to come home and promised to raise the baby as my own. I took the silent shame because I couldn’t give her up. She politely declined and left me for her bull and the marriage ended.
I sunk deeper into porn and masturbation (solosexuality) until remained single until I met my second wife. We had sex from the start and got married about a year into our relationship. Unbeknownst to me, she was a cheater as well. She brought up the idea of swinging and it immediately put me back into a pattern of watching her and masturbating, accepting a secondary sexual role. With her, she found a bull who shared her regularly and I was sometimes excluded (left home to masturbate all night or all weekend while I tried to process the mental images and the pain). He was fond of group sex with her and that was something I only watched once. I masturbated like a maniac all through it but when I came, the cuck angst was so overwhelming that I left the room to quietly cry and then vomit. After about half an hour I got aroused again at the thought of what she was still doing in the other room and returned to watch. This time, I held off orgasm until she was done. That marriage lasted a couple of years with this same pattern of me masturbating and watching but she eventually left as well.
So now, I’m alone again and deep in a masturbation and porn lifestyle, still processing what happened. I have loved and had sex with only two girls in my life and both did the same thing to me. When speaking to other people online, I have begun to realize that perhaps I was always a cuck and just didn’t know it. Maybe that’s the real reason I held off on sex until marriage (or close to it) and it’s why I accepted the sexual life I had with both wives. I’m starting to get angry with myself for not know what I was and a little angry with society for maybe misleading me into expecting that I deserved a sex life with my wives. Maybe I’ve always been a cuck and as such I should have known I was not entitled to fucking them. I wish somebody had told me sooner :(
If anybody wants to talk with me about it, I’d love to. Thanks for reading.
- Lee
FUCK MY WIFE!
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